Kenlove’s Weblog

i realized something. i realized that it hurts to lose someone whos close to you. i know, your probaby like “well, duh idiot” but for some reason i always randomly think of these things throughout the day. i have had friends that i treated like total crap. now im not saying that i was just plain rude to them. but i was in the sense of not doing the things that friends should do. i would let what other people did to me in the past effect the way i treated my friends in the present. because people in my past played with my emotions and basically ate my heart for dinner, i have a huge issue with trust. but the funny thing is even though i dont trust someone i still end up  telling them personal crap about me. i guess im just searching for someone that is actually trully a friend. i mean honestly, what can you get out of a false friedship except a broken heart for them and a waste of time for you. i am tired of using my past to control my present. forget my past! i know thats easier said than done and some people think we should keep our past in our minds. but with me even the good memories make me sad because i am so far away from being that happy again. i am learning so much. have you ever sat down and wrote something that was heavy on your heart and when you go back and read it, you actually learn something and feel convicted by what you wrote? well, thats how it usually is with me. a sense of telling others of my self and in a strange way teaching myself something at the same time. i cant wait to get past this chapter in my life. but hey, even though im somewhere i dont wanna be, ive gotta live for God to the best of my ability. but you know, thinking about it, i cant let myself get down. the Bible teaches of how we as Christians should have a spirit of joy, love, peace, etc. not of worry, stress, anger, and bitterness. God is amazing and i need to give it all to Him. my past, present, future. my friendships/relationships, etc.

i love You Lord, please keep me close to Your side, and gaurd my heart from hateful people, but also keep me friendly to others. praise You, God, for Your love and mercy and grace. thank Yoou for life, and friends. YOU are the reason for Christmas. and i praise You.

Amen

i know alot of people dont like to hear about God… but unless i get kicked off of here for writing about Him or die because of my faith, you wont stop hearing about Him. today pur church started a revival. this mornings message was in how our faith should not be for sale, and tonight he basically taught on Christian servanthood. it was good. we have a service tomorrow night and friday night. i cant wait! ill be hinest with you… the time i was at WOLBI, and on Impact and whenever im at church i am SO happy. the happiness i feel when im with God and godly people, surpasses any joy, peace, or pleasure i can get from the world. I thank you Lord, for Your grace, mercy, and love.

but just for five minutes, let me write whats bothering me. i am thankful for the things i am about to write about because without these times we wouldnt realize what the times to be thankful are. God allows things to happen in our lives for a reason. no matter how we try and justisfy or explain things, there is always God behind it.may it be the loss of a loved one to death or a friendships final breath. God has taught me alot to be thankful for. i have ALOT of my “friends” i’d say about 95%, that only talk to me when i initiate the conversation. i am thankful because it makes me cherish the remaining 5% whom trully do care for me, and check on me even if its out of the blue. i am 23 and i still live with my parents… part of me is very upset about that. but even though im upset i cant look past the fact that my parents are willingly allowing me to have shelter, even if it was my STUPID decisions that stranded me here. i am currently furious because i am jobless. but even though i get more and more upset everyday that i have to come home and tell my parents i didnt find a job that day, ive got to remember… theres a job out there that God has in His designed plan that, even though i screwed up,  He can still use my screw ups for His glory. a VERY BIG ,depressing sometimes, is that i am sitting here in jacksonville, florida while almost every one i know thats my age is finishing  or  at school right now. i strongly desire to finish school, but i should be happy for those in which God is blessing. i am not in the best shape in the world. in a world that dawns perfection, meaning attraction is no longer a term thats judged on character, personality, and heart; but now is judged by looks, physique, financial gain, and property… its sometimes hard not to feel hurt. but you know i was once a very good looking, physically awesome, young man, with a great physique. but the relationships and friendships that i got during those times were horrible. everyone had a superficial relationship with me. and the sexual desires were astonishing! i realize that i will get back in shape. but not for womens sake, for my health. not so i can get a girl in bed… but so i can get out of bed everyday. not so that i can get all the women in the world to have respect for me, but so i can have respect for myself. and a huge problem for me that i am thankful for… and this is probably the one that has hurt me the most, is not having someone to be there through the good times and bad. family is one thing, friendship another. but when you have that person(bf or gf, fiance, wife or husband) its the best feeling in the world. i havent had anyone in 9 months. it kills me to see kids that were in youth group even after i graduated, in great relationships or marriages. with the one they love in whom loves them back. i have never had that feeling. whenever i thought i did, i was kicked in the crotch emotionally. even in the past month my emotions have been torn to shreds and stomped on. girls showing me affection and then they stop talking to me for NO REASON. its discouraging alot of the time. youre probably like well, what can you be thankful for in THAT situation? its reveals to me that i cant get anyone unless my priorities are in orded( God, church, job, finances, friends) and eventually, while im doing Gods will for my life and persuing His will for my life, then God will allow me to meet someone that will blow my mind! so on this day of thankfulness, where we all think of things to be thankful for… remember this name… God. He has a reason for everything. even our dumb mistakes in life God can and will use ti bring glory to His name. to my friends, i love you all (you know who you are), to my family i cant even think of what it would be like without you all, and to God… thank You for everlasting life, Your love and mercy, and Your everlasting forgiveness.

today, was amazing! i am preparing a message for church Wednesday night. i have the blessed opportunity to speak in front of our singles class(college age – anyone who’s not married). and in preparing this message, i realized that of all the things in this world that need figuring out, of all the things that are confusing to the point of exhaustion; there’s one thing that I’ve found to be true. and that’s that no matter who turns there back on me, no matter how many people that hurt me, no matter how lonely i feel, that God is right there for me. He always has been. the times when i thought no-one cared he was there holding my hand. and all the while that i was running, looking everywhere for some sort of peace, some sort of solace, some sort of…. love; in all that all i had to do was look up.

i realize that i can easily have temporary joy in doing things that everyone else is. Ive been to where id turn to alcohol, and all that did was leave me with an empty wallet and an empty feeling inside. i turned to sex, and all that did was leave me feeling dirty, feeling worthless. in all this chaos i was going through, i missed the easiest thing, Christ. His love surpasses any love i have ever felt. the peace and joy He gives me surpasses any amount of money i would ever get. the pleasure of knowing He’s given me everlasting life, passes any satisfaction i ever got from sex, any temporary pleasure i got from the bottom of a bottle. no matter what i try and compare to make me feel better than Christ makes me feel isn’t even close. yes, it hurts sometimes that i am 23 and i don’t even have a girlfriend. it hurts that i want so badly to start a family and be both a father to my children and husband to my wife. but the Bible teaches us to be content where God has us and to live for Him to the best of our ability. i love my Savior. alot of people don’t understand. but when you’ve been on both sides at one time or another… you realize how awesome God is and how much He loves you.  I’m gonna live for God, and eventually in His timing, He’ll give me the perfect woman. someone who’s whole life led her to meet me. every situation preparing her for a lifetime of love and happiness. i cant wait.

but like i said I’m gonna live for God right now, and for the rest of my life. Hes amazing!

“Every situation God places us in, every person He places in our lives prepares us for the future that only He can see” – Corrie Ten Boom

my life up until not has been very, up and downish. sometimes causing me anger. i can really look at my life and find many different periods of sheer bliss, excruciating pain, unbearable sadness, and unspeakable joy. but in this post I’m going to give just a few. and i promise my upcoming posts will be more insightful, and positive. i figured to get this out of the way first.

in my short 23 years of life I’ve seen people come and go. friends that i have loved and cherished. and then there are the ones that catch me off guard. the ones that cause me to get scared. ever since 2001(a situation happened to me that hinders my trust with people) i have had a hard time letting people get close to me, mainly because after what happened, happened… everyone but one person turned their backs on me. friends that i thought would be there through thick and thin, were the first ones to turn. and so, it has caused me to start, what i feel is, a bad habit. if i notice someone is getting to close to my heart… i basically try and cause them to want to back off. i know it sounds weird but that was my defense mechanism. there were times that i let my hearts guard down, only to get it broken. usually very often, which caused me even more callousness. but recently, for the past couple of years the big thing that has upset me is women. i guess its just the karma thing, but throughout high-school and some into college i would talk to a girl for a while then just all-together stop. without telling her anything. and in the past few years its as if the tables have turned. i had a relationship that lasted for 2 1/2 years where the girl i was with basically humored me for 2 years(she only like me for 1/2 a year, she told me this) since then i have been severely played by girls. the most hurtful one is the most recent. i met this girl, she was AMAZING! she liked the same things i did, was a family person, BEAUTIFUL… and told me to call her. well, two days later and she hasn’t returned my calls. now I’m not saying that shes dissing me yet. i will try and call her today. but right now my heart hurts. she is the only girl that has made my heart feel this way. i talked to her for less than an hour. and she knocked my socks off! i don’t know why or how someone i talk to for less than an hour could have this much effect on my feelings but she does! I’m actually sadder with this girl randomly not talking to me than i was when that 2 1/2 yr relationship ended. the thing that threw me off, is she seemed so happy to meet me, and adamant about getting to know me and then… its as if i did something wrong. which i didn’t have time to make a mistake actually. i don’t know.

i am in constant prayer about this, in that eventually she’ll answer my calls