Kenlove’s Weblog

i realized something. i realized that it hurts to lose someone whos close to you. i know, your probaby like “well, duh idiot” but for some reason i always randomly think of these things throughout the day. i have had friends that i treated like total crap. now im not saying that i was just plain rude to them. but i was in the sense of not doing the things that friends should do. i would let what other people did to me in the past effect the way i treated my friends in the present. because people in my past played with my emotions and basically ate my heart for dinner, i have a huge issue with trust. but the funny thing is even though i dont trust someone i still end up  telling them personal crap about me. i guess im just searching for someone that is actually trully a friend. i mean honestly, what can you get out of a false friedship except a broken heart for them and a waste of time for you. i am tired of using my past to control my present. forget my past! i know thats easier said than done and some people think we should keep our past in our minds. but with me even the good memories make me sad because i am so far away from being that happy again. i am learning so much. have you ever sat down and wrote something that was heavy on your heart and when you go back and read it, you actually learn something and feel convicted by what you wrote? well, thats how it usually is with me. a sense of telling others of my self and in a strange way teaching myself something at the same time. i cant wait to get past this chapter in my life. but hey, even though im somewhere i dont wanna be, ive gotta live for God to the best of my ability. but you know, thinking about it, i cant let myself get down. the Bible teaches of how we as Christians should have a spirit of joy, love, peace, etc. not of worry, stress, anger, and bitterness. God is amazing and i need to give it all to Him. my past, present, future. my friendships/relationships, etc.

i love You Lord, please keep me close to Your side, and gaurd my heart from hateful people, but also keep me friendly to others. praise You, God, for Your love and mercy and grace. thank Yoou for life, and friends. YOU are the reason for Christmas. and i praise You.

Amen