Kenlove’s Weblog

my life up until not has been very, up and downish. sometimes causing me anger. i can really look at my life and find many different periods of sheer bliss, excruciating pain, unbearable sadness, and unspeakable joy. but in this post I’m going to give just a few. and i promise my upcoming posts will be more insightful, and positive. i figured to get this out of the way first.

in my short 23 years of life I’ve seen people come and go. friends that i have loved and cherished. and then there are the ones that catch me off guard. the ones that cause me to get scared. ever since 2001(a situation happened to me that hinders my trust with people) i have had a hard time letting people get close to me, mainly because after what happened, happened… everyone but one person turned their backs on me. friends that i thought would be there through thick and thin, were the first ones to turn. and so, it has caused me to start, what i feel is, a bad habit. if i notice someone is getting to close to my heart… i basically try and cause them to want to back off. i know it sounds weird but that was my defense mechanism. there were times that i let my hearts guard down, only to get it broken. usually very often, which caused me even more callousness. but recently, for the past couple of years the big thing that has upset me is women. i guess its just the karma thing, but throughout high-school and some into college i would talk to a girl for a while then just all-together stop. without telling her anything. and in the past few years its as if the tables have turned. i had a relationship that lasted for 2 1/2 years where the girl i was with basically humored me for 2 years(she only like me for 1/2 a year, she told me this) since then i have been severely played by girls. the most hurtful one is the most recent. i met this girl, she was AMAZING! she liked the same things i did, was a family person, BEAUTIFUL… and told me to call her. well, two days later and she hasn’t returned my calls. now I’m not saying that shes dissing me yet. i will try and call her today. but right now my heart hurts. she is the only girl that has made my heart feel this way. i talked to her for less than an hour. and she knocked my socks off! i don’t know why or how someone i talk to for less than an hour could have this much effect on my feelings but she does! I’m actually sadder with this girl randomly not talking to me than i was when that 2 1/2 yr relationship ended. the thing that threw me off, is she seemed so happy to meet me, and adamant about getting to know me and then… its as if i did something wrong. which i didn’t have time to make a mistake actually. i don’t know.

i am in constant prayer about this, in that eventually she’ll answer my calls